there is no such thing

Whenever you feel hope in yourself or in others whenever you think someone is fianlly a person and not some fake asshole just like everyone eles. Thats the same moment that person because everything they was not. I have told myself a million times before and I don't know why it doesn't stick.

There is always someone better than you. There is always something better than yourself. You are never the right thing at the right moment. Your never enough for anything. Just like the computers cell phones. You will always be replaced by something better.

I have never replaced a single goddamn thing in my life. I love with all my heart and I give more than I take. I go out of my way for everything. When will I run into someone who will believe that this person is amazing and enough for anything. Because I am not. You would think after times and times of this happening I would believe it. But it's not true. Don't be truthful with someone don't try to go out of your way for anything my friend actually just don't make friends at all. Don't spare your feelings don't go out of your way for anything. Because in the end it doesn't even matter..


but then I think to myself I'd rather go my life letting people know I care about them and them totally making me feel like I should just go fuck off because they want nothing to do with me. Because 1 yr 2 yrs down the road they will always have known I cared. I was there I loved/liked them with everything I could give them. They won't look back on me with hate or regret. I can't always say the same for myself. But this is me I am that nice person you met that you could just get up and completely forget and there thats the part I don't get. I could never forget anyone no matter how small of a role they played in my life.


I tell myself now if its to good to be true it usally is. How I could let myself fall in love with someone I thought was totally taken by me. someone who actually understood who actually listened who actually showed me emotion and wanted to be there. How I could actually think it would last with me. I could kill myself. And even now as I sit here blaming myself for being so stupid. I still care for that person with everything I am. I still love him. I still hold everything he said to me to my heart. Even thought I can tell he really doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't blame anyone for leaving me I would probably leave me to. But I just don't see how I could feel the same way as that person does and sit and still think of them and could never see how I could forget that person ever. I still want to hang out with them be there friend. I honestly think he could go without hearing from me and could be happy.


I can tell when I am not missed or I was never really anything to someone. I can feel when things are right. But I still wake up every day telling myself that person is just going through alot. and somewhere deep down in my sick a twisted soul i feel like maybe someday they will think of me and realized what they missed and some small part of them will want me back. I still see a car that looks like theirs I hear foot steps a phone call and somewhere inside my heart it leaps because i wish every time maybe its them.


I am a pathic person I guess. Because i know this person doesn't even think anything about me. I was a what the fuck was i thinking moment in their lifes. I was a I guess I wasn't feeling anything moment. I am always the wrong time. I am always the I'm sorry.