don't take friendships seriously.

How do you go on acting like someone wasn't in your life that person and everyone acts like its so fucking easy and its not for me. Omg I wish it was so badly. I go places thinking it will make me happy. But I just wanna be home I'm home I don't wanna be there. I wanna do shit and I am not happy doing it. Fucking kills me. To actually believe everything that happened to me was going to last what the hell. Now I am more alone than I was before. I hate people who are fake oh we will be friends I will call you and atleast then you won't feel like everything was a total waste then you feel like your a fucking nut for wanting to still care and be around that person. so who is the fucking weird one. Probably me just makes me feel used and like everything I felt is fucking nothing. Maybe I am nothing. I need to paint. But I am not helping any of these fuck heads out anymore. Ya know if they don't give a rats ass why should I. Of course I say this shit tomorrow I will totally wake up carrying more. Ugh I hate myself for this. I need something new. I need new people. I don't want any of these fake ass ..highschool bullshit. I need adults and adult relationships.


Ugh I just want to go back and pause when I actually thought things was going to last and believe every word he shoved down my throat. I want to go back to the nights when you couldnt tell where one of us ended and the other began. I wanna go back and trap myself in the moments and make them last longer.

I don't regret anything. I only wish I took everything in and what not.

I just want to feel from the other person that I wasn't some nothing and that everything they said was just some other girl. I don't want to become some other poor soul to anyone and not to them. I want to know I was special.

I dont want to believe everything that everyone is saying to me of how i meant to them. Here I am believeing the good in everything.

LOOK AT ME WORLD IM A SUCKER. I became something to someone I didn't want to be. A fucking joke. a fucking bad month of something that happened. A fuck up.

On to the next sucker move. My feelings and walls grow. I hurt myself today to feel something of myself and I cried and maybe some day I will cross this person and see I wasn't a waste.


I woke up today and became a hard person I built up more walls. I started thinking. I saw how ugly this fucking world is again. I don't know why all this is a suprise to me anymore.


why am i such a fucking sucker.