leaving the town of broken hearts soon.

well I survived a whole week with only one run in. I felt nothing but being totally like what the fuck to myself. I look back sometimes and ask myself why I felt why I did so quick or why I believed every pretty word the rolled out of his lips. I have have the answers for any of the questions I ask myself I could sit here and tell you I am totally over shit. But Not till I get back home and I am alone and I can think about everything on my own without being told everything is going to be ok. I am numb right now to anything and everything. I will try to not feel self doubt and harm myself in anyway but it's hard in a world that doesnt make you feel anything. I am happy that he isn't with me because I was a nothing person and he needs to be with a something so no wonder he just moved on. I am nothing special. I have broken dreams and bitter self image.

trying to find love again in someone who I am starting to slowly believe he does care for me in the end. If he didn't come and get me that night I wouldn't be here right now. He saved me from death in some sort of way.


I am still trying to forget of a life that wasn't real. receiving of words from someone where nothing laid behind the words that fell out of his mouth. Only word that lead up to moments that I became a pawn in. Worse I don't even have a camera that I really did need or my game cube. But those are just things.


I can't believe all those personal moments he just spat out as locker room jokes. If only I knew everything we did would be said to all of his "friends". Fuck it.

everyone tells me he will get his. But I doubt it and if he does it won't matter to me anymore when it does happen. I'm not looking for him to get his..but I think I would feel alot better if I knew I crossed his mind or he felt bad or maybe somewhere in his heart he felt something. But I know he doesn't and I so wish I was like him. But I am not.


ugh I just walk around looking like a fool. Like oh she felt for that kinda looks. while a world of blindness and happiness and world where all the fucked up people gets what they want in the end. and all the mes get to sit back and watch.