its me.

I never thought I would be the type of person who become hard on the inside and put up walls. But Now I know I can be. I'm not bitter. I never thought I would have a problem with trust or trying to love someone but I have become this person. I guess now I know how many people it takes to make me a hard shell person.

Part of me hates it. Part of me knows its the best way to be at the moment. But I hope it's not like this forever. I want to love and trust. I don't like walls. But right now I have a brick wall. I never thought I would be the type of person to not want to be touched loved on. I am this person. I haven't be able to cry over anything. I tried to cry thinking of the saddest thing I know of and not one tear.

I think I have come to terms with the bitterness of this world. I have come to terms with my life. This is the person this world has made me. No more trusting anyone.

Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one. ~Stella Adler


who knows where I will end up now. Probably not where I thought I would be. who the fuck knows! But I am focused on art and not relationships. This is why I don't have that many friends. This is why I don't keep in touch (but for a few people). I think everyone gets what they want from you and when they can't get it anymore or there is something better around the corner you are history. I have done it but not as much as it has been done to me. Even if I leave you ..you are still in my heart forever. I still wake up and think I wonder what they are doing.


as for this God I kept in my life for so long. who knows about it anymore. I don't know if I believe in anyone. If we are made by God to be like him. I'm not sure if I like this guy...because just like everyone I think he has left me to. I can't believe in myself or things I think or feel how can I anything eles?

But I am sure if a few months I will find myself again and love again..im a sucker for anything with a pretty smile and promises of a better day. They can see me coming from a mile away. And I will love you and I will put my heart and trust into you and you will find me out in two seconds and you will crush my soul and you will have me doubt myself and I'll do things to convince myself you really love me and like me..and when you leave I will convince myself that you loved me and liked me.


I will have thicker skin and The world will become a little less bright and I will not want to wake up in the morning. Then onto the next untill I have had enough of all these people and all these doubts and let downs. I will become tired of myself. I will become tired of being strong and moving on and trying to forget. I will become something even more I hate.


maybe I am just one of those sad souls who ends up with no one......

or maybe.....

or nothing....

In the end you will get what you wanted they always do....


Let's just hope Karma is real everyone keeps saying it does. I'm sure it does but when it does hit that person it won't matter to me anyways.